Lighter Than Some

ACT I SCENE I

The battlements of Elsinore Castle.
Enter HAMLET, followed by GHOST.
GHOST: Oi! Mush!
HAMLET: Yer?
GHOST: I was fucked!
(Exit GHOST.)
HAMLET: O Fuck.
(Exit HAMLET.)

SCENE II

The Throneroom.
Enter KING CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, HAMLET and COURT.
CLAUDIUS: Oi! You, Hamlet, give over!
HAMLET: Fuck off, won’t you?
(Exit CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, COURT.)
HAMLET: (Alone) They could have fucking waited.
(Enter HORATIO.)
HORATIO: Oi! Watcha cock!
HAMLET: Weeeeey!
(Exeunt.)

SCENE III

Ophelia’s Bedroom.
Enter OPHELIA and LAERTES.
LAERTES: I’m fucking off now. Watch Hamlet doesn’t slip you one while I’m gone.
OPHELIA: I’ll be fucked if he does.
(Exeunt.)

SCENE IV

The Battlements.
Enter HORATIO, HAMLET and GHOST.
GHOST: Oi! Mush, get on with it!
HAMLET: Who did it then?
GHOST: That wanker Claudius. He poured fucking poison in my fucking ear!
HAMLET: Fuck me!
(Exeunt.)

ACT II SCENE I

A corridor in the castle.
Enter HAMLET reading. Enter POLONIUS.
POLONIUS: Oi! You!
HAMLET: Fuck off, grandad!
(Exit POLONIUS. Enter ROSENCRANZ and GUILDENSTERN.)
ROS & GUILD: Oi! Oi! Mucca!
HAMLET: Fuck off, the pair of you!
(Exit ROS & GUILD.)
HAMLET: (Alone) To fuck or be fucked.
(Enter OPHELIA.)
OPHELIA: My Lord!
HAMLET: Fuck off to a nunnery!
(The exit in different directions.)

ACT III SCENE I

The Throne Room.
Enter PLAYERS and all COURT.
I PLAYER: Full thirty times hath Phoebus cart…
CLAUDIUS: I’ll be fucked if I watch any more of this crap.
(Exeunt.)

SCENE II

Gertrude’s Bedchamber.
Enter HAMLET, to GERTRUDE.
HAMLET: Oi! Slag!
GERTRUDE: Watch your fucking mouth, kid!
POLONIUS: (From behind the curtain) Too right.
HAMLET: Who the fuck was that?
(He stabs POLONIUS through the arras.)
POLONIUS: Fuck!
HAMLET: Fuck! I thought it was that other wanker.
(Exeunt.)

ACT IV SCENE I

A Court Room.
CLAUDIUS: Fuck off to England then!
HAMLET: Delighted, mush.

SCENE II

The Throne Room.
OPHELIA, GERTRUDE and CLAUDIUS.
OPHELIA: Here, cop a whack of this.
(She hands GERTRUDE some rosemary and exits.)
CLAUDIUS: She’s fucking round the twist, isn’t she?
GERTRUDE: (Looking out the window) There is a willow grows aslant the brook.
CLAUDIUS: Get on with it, slag.
GERTRUDE: Ophelia’s gone and fucking drowned!
CLAUDIUS: Fuck! Laertes isn’t half going to be browned off.
(Exeunt.)

SCENE III

A Corridor.
LAERTES: (Alone) I’m going to fucking do this lot.
(Enter CLAUDIUS.)
CLAUDIUS: I didn’t fucking do it, mate. It was that wanker Hamlet.
LAERTES: Well, fuck him.

ACT V SCENE I

Hamlet’s Bedchamber.
HAMLET and HORATIO seated.
HAMLET: I got this feeling I’m going to cop it, Horatio, and you know, I couldn’t give a flying fuck.
(Exeunt.)

SCENE II

Large Hall.
Enter HAMLET, LAERTES, COURT, GERTRUDE, CLAUDIUS.
LAERTES: Oi, wanker: let’s get on with it.
HAMLET: Delighted, fuckface.
(They fight and both are poisoned by the poisoned sword.)
LAERTES: Fuck!
HAMLET: Fuck!
(The QUEEN drinks.)
GERTRUDE: Fucking odd wine!
CLAUDIUS: You drunk the wrong fucking cup, you stupid cow!
HAMLET: (Pouring the poison down CLAUDIUS’S throat) Well, fuck you!
CLAUDIUS: I’m fair and squarely fucked.
LAERTES: Oi, mush: no hard feelings, eh?
HAMLET: Yer.
(LAERTES dies.)
HAMLET: Oi! Horatio!
HORATIO: Yer?
HAMLET: I’m fucked. The rest is fucking silence.
(HAMLET dies.)
HORATIO: Fuck: that was no ordinary wanker, you know.
(Enter FORTINBRAS.)
FORTINBRAS: What the fuck’s going on here?
HORATIO: A fucking mess, that’s for sure.
FORTINBRAS: No kidding. I see Hamlet’s fucked.
HORATIO: Yer.
FORTINBRAS: Fucking shame: fucking good bloke.
HORATIO: Too fucking right.
FORTINBRAS: Fuck this for a lark then. Let’s piss off.
(Exeunt with alarums.)